Pirates for Nutter

Philadelphia Weekly
March 7, 2007

A-List

POLITICS

Pirates for Nutter Meetup

www.localpolitics.meetup.com/91

Fri., March 9, 7pm. Free. New Wave Cafe, 784 S. Third St. 215.922.8484.

Finally, Philadelphia’s burgeoning pirate population has found a friendly voice in city government. Or have they?

Formed last October, Pirates for Nutter, a self-described “group of ruthless one-eyed dirty plague-carrying swordfighting buccaneers who believe that Michael Nutter is the best candidate to represent the needs of the Philadelphia pirating community,” appeared to be gaining steam, swashbuckling their way toward the mayoral election.

Their clandestine meetings have become the stuff of whispered legend. Rumors abound of hedonistic orgies where scores of rogue citizenry live out the spirit of the conclave’s mission statement: “We sail the high seas. We drink rum. We curse and howl like banshees. We may have one arm rotted off, but we still know how to sword-fight like scoundrels through the darkest holes in the West Indies. We also like Michael Nutter.”

Alas it now seems the final sentiment wasn’t unanimous. The threat of mutiny reared its ugly, eye-patched skull-head, and a splinter group jumped ship for rival crews. Will the PFN rump survive this cursed treachery?

Only time will tell, ye bilge-rat-milk-drinking son of a thrice-poxed lubber, ye. Arrr. (Joshua Valocchi)